I feel like I've lost my mind lately. I have had so much on plate, it's indescribable. I can't believe, looking back that I've made it through all of this with so many underlying/other issues going on as of late.
Let me explain, well, try to explain. I've had difficulty articulating my thoughts lately in every fashion imaginable (written word, spoken word, hell, even stick figure drawings are a task). I have an involuntary muscle spasm in my neck and left shoulder that whips my head violently and painfully backwards.
I don't know if this is doing any damage to the area that was supposedly "fixed" by my back surgery in May of 2014 but no one seems particularly concerned about the fact that I'm twitching except for me and most of my family and close friends.
I know it's a side effect of my medication for my bipolar disorder. I KNOW this because it all started when they switched me from 10 mg to 15 mg to try and better control my mood swings. Pfffft.
Not only are my moods no better but now I may have a permanent, medication induced, tic. Wonderful. Ha! Sarcasm, I guess I can at least keep it light-hearted in my mind still. So that's a plus. I suppose, I use sarcasm to cover my fear.
My fear of the unknown. What's going to happen to me? Is this permanent? Will we be able to make all the necessary payments for our new home? Will I be able to organize and live well in our new home? Will I be able to keep myself sane if I'm coming off my bipolar medication and going on a new one if I'm home alone with my girls most of the time by myself?
I've never lived by myself before. I've never lived away from my mom and my sister before in my ENTIRE life. I've been living with them BOTH for 28 years.
I'm 32 years old and I've never left the house on my own. To live on my own, away from my family. I've had a want to live on my own for years....YEARS.
However, two things have kept me in my home with my mother and sister.
I'll admit to the first one, free and clear. Living on my own scares the ever loving crap out of me. It's the whole fear of the unknown thing again.
I'm sure some of you are saying, so what's the other thing? What could possibly make someone want to live with their mother and sister for their entire adult life so far?
Well, I'll be honest again here. They've needed me. They always HAVE needed me. Ever since I hit adulthood and my mother's health and general life took a turn for the worse and started spiraling down the drain she's needed me.
How can you deny your one and only parental figure that's ever been there to support you through all of your stupid childhood decisions and idiotic young adult life mistakes? How can you sit there and look them in the eye while they are tearing up in front of you and say "No, I can't help you"?
Can't or won't some will ask?
Well, I can't anymore. I know that deep down in my heart, deep down in my soul I know that I absolutely can not and will not help them any longer. I just can not.
It hurts me, to say all of this is hurting me. I feel it in my bones, how can I do this to my mother?!
SOMEONE HELP ME!
I feel like screaming it every single day. Every. Single. Day.
I want to scream, I want to tear my hair out and just lose my shit completely....
But, I can't do that.
I have to be a responsible adult. I have two daughters and a husband to worry about now. I can't keep this up. I'm spreading myself far too thin and things need to change in order for me to survive.
I barely sleep, I barely eat....
I can't remember the last time I took time for myself...only me time.
It's like it doesn't exist anymore. Time to myself, I mean. There's always one thing or another that needs tending and it always involves someone else and their problems that I get sucked into because I care FAR too much for people who don't care nearly as much about me and I get lost in the shuffle.
I looked in the mirror the other day and barely recognized the pale, zombie eyed, gaunt looking individual staring back at me.
What am I doing to myself? I worry this much about everyone else and about everything with my family and end up getting hurt in the process.
Someone, save me. I can't FIND my lists. I make them and I lose them.
It's a fucking vicious circle because I have no fucking space to myself.
Gahds! I just want to move and be done with it and have space of my own! FINALLY!
So much is involved in that process though....oh so much.
I need my lists. Goddammit.
Where the hell did I put that list?
(see, eventually, it all comes full circle. welcome to a day in my mind)
Yours truly all,
One Crazy Momma
