I'm in more pain than I have been for years, most of which is stemming from my low back. I have a deep aching burn that is sharp and irritated with every bending, turning or twisting motion, every single position change, every movement that requires a pivot in my lumbar region of any kind causes this pain.
Some days are worse than others of course. Some days I can't even THINK about bending down to pick something up. It's bad enough my daughters and husband have begun to notice my bad days because I will literally stare at something on the floor and have to will myself to bend over and pick it up. Those days suck....so bad....
A frequent phrase I utter, "Bending is so overrated".
It's become almost imperative for me to be able to pick up even the smallest or slimmest of objects with my toes so I can bring the object up to the level of my hands without having to bend in the middle. My girls think it's a fascinating super power and have tried numerous times to copy my movements but they haven't got the dexterity down in their toes yet.
My husband thinks the amount of dexterity I have in my toes and the fashion in which I use them is a little disturbing.
Disturbing? Maybe. Super power? Definitely not. Unusual use of toes? Probably. Useful tool? OMG YES!
I have noticed a change in my lifestyle over the years due to having to adapt from pain issues.
I no longer sleep on my back, I will wake up almost instantly if I happen to roll into said position during sleep. I have myself positioned to reach to my right most of the time because leaning/reaching to the left is more painful. I am usually hunched forward to alleviate back pain.
I've learned to adapt to my surroundings and have my surroundings adapted for me. I try REALLY hard to NOT keep important things in low cabinets, drawers, shelves and such, things I use regularly and often become irritated when I have to bend for the umpteenth time to get are put in a position I can easily reach without issue.
My husband has noticed this and adapted his own living arrangements and lifestyle to help coexist better with me. My daughters know better than to ask mommy to grab something off the floor for them and noticeably offer to pick things up for me without my having to ask.
My sex life is lacking from when we first got together and not because of our kids. Today, in fact, I told my husband that I feel like a shitty human being because I can't keep up with him and the kids. I just haven't the energy at the end of the day to get sexually excited because that's a physical feat most people my age don't understand or even notice. It requires so much more energy than I feel I have most days and my hubs is trying so hard to be understanding but a big part of our lives is the hypersexuality from the bipolar we both share diagnoses of.
I'm at a point in this pain filled world of mine I often find myself hating my body and I will tell it as much. I hate that the neurological disease I have is making it so my hands don't always work, I drop things often even if I had a tight grip on the object only a few moments prior. My right foot doesn't always respond to lift up when I'm walking and I have tripped and fallen so many times because of this. If I don't really focus on walking I will trip and fall. It's infuriating. I can't feel most of the top portion of my right foot, from toes to about the middle of my foot....it's mostly numb.
I lost sensation in my right big toe years ago and was told after my spinal surgery to remove the cyst I had on my right sciatic nerve root that perhaps the sensations would come back and that, in fact, I had a very good chance of that happening....and yet the numbness continues.
I have a creepy crawly, almost like little bitty ants crawling up and down my legs, feeling on days my nerves are super inflamed from weather, fibromyalgia or whatever that day brings me.
I moved an hour and a half north of my hometown in Milwaukee back in April. I have had to continue to see my regular physician down in Milwaukee because he and I cannot find another physician within a half hour's drive from here that not only takes my insurance but will also continue my care for me so I don't have to have an epic long day of traveling just to see my doctor every month.
My case isn't that horrendous and I've been seeing the same physician for almost two decades with no issues. And why? Because of all the crazy ass changes to our health care systems over the last two years many physicians are refusing to treat patients who have been on long term opioid pain control.
I've been using opioids for chronic back pain for almost 15 years and never have I lost a prescription, had a positive urine drug screen test for anything other than what I'm prescribed.
I have friends who think it's this great thing that I get pain medication like that and comment on how I am "lucky" or how great it must be to get to use it every day.
No. I don't get a chemical high from it. It's not some fun party drug I get to take and then enjoy the ride. No. It's a medication that if I DO NOT take it I CAN NOT function. It hurts too much to even move.
And I wouldn't consider myself fucking LUCKY. PLEASE?! What a fucking joke. Yea, I'm super lucky to have such a difficult pain control issue that a drug is the only thing that helps me feel well enough to be me.
Yes, my body is physically addicted to them to a degree but that's unavoidable. My dose has gone up and back down over the years but I've never been without them completely and I hate it.
I hate how I have to rely on this stupid man made form of heroin so I can feel "human" enough to function and take care of the daily needs and wants of myself and my family and friends.
Only those really close to me know what my bad days are like because when I'm having those really bad days, I don't interact with people outside of a small group of super close friends and family members.
Even my in laws don't know what it's like for me on my really bad days. And trying to explain all of this medical jargon to people who genuinely have little to no history or background or relative knowledge of medicine and physiology is more difficult than most could imagine.
I almost want to write it all out in pamphlet form and hand it to them and be all, "Here! Educate yourselves!". LOL
That might be rude or at least, considered rude. I wouldn't know. I wish I did.
How do you explain to someone that every day is different for you to such a degree that you really can't make express in advance plans.
It tires me out to explain this all to people and in the end, I don't even know if it helps.
All I know for sure, tomorrow is a new day.....
