I have a level of anxiety that few people can understand or accommodate for. The long distance staring I do several times a day for many years now is my way of processing the anxiety laden thoughts I have running through my mind all day long, every day.
I can't escape these thoughts. I can't simply redirect my mind onto a new and better flow of emotions with a simple thought or change of pattern of behavior. These thoughts have never left me since my teenage years and as an adult, I've learned to cope with them in ways most people can't understand.
With my mental health problems, which include Bipolar Disorder Axis II, PTSD, generalized severe anxiety disorder, insomnia of unknown origin, post-partum depression and self awareness issues, being a parent of an ADHD child and having another on the autism spectrum becomes a daily feat of willpower for myself and my two daughters.
My youngest has impulse control issues and ADHD. I fight with her and redirect and console and focus her attention more times per day than I could count on hands and feet. I try my best to not let her get to me, not let her sheer stubborn and unafraid personality take control of the situation.
I'll admit, some days I lose that battle.
My oldest is definitely on the autism spectrum but she is a brilliant, free spirited and intelligent child who will one day amaze me with her ability to change her surroundings to fit her needs without interrupting the needs of others.
She is smart....crazy smart. I do my best to nurture and boost that self esteem she has and try to open her eyes to the world around her so she can be more open about what life has to offer her besides what is in her head.
It's a daily battle to get her to redirect to reality instead of the usual wandering off into her own world inside her head.
I try, I really do try. I try so hard every day and battle my own demons constantly, hour after hour, minute after minute, my mind telling me I'm not good enough to be a human.
Throw in the toddler daughters and the ADHD and bipolar husband and we have a sweet mix of crazy going on in our home.
It's rough sometimes, I will be the first to freely admit such a thing. At the same time, I am ashamed I can't be a normal mother with organizational skills, a busy schedule that isn't considered a hindrance and the ability to socialize and the WANT to do so.
Yet, I cannot change who I am, who I am chemically balanced to be. And with that chemical imbalance comes a need to stop and process the thoughts that are, literally, running a million miles a second through my mind and let the process of retention and attention and action and memory all make their way into the string of running thoughts and line them up, put them into neat categories for me so I can finally focus on the task at hand again. To do this, I stare off into space, it's not a particular thing I focus on, I just stare while I let my thoughts flash before my eyes and get neatly categorized and organized as needed. Once it finishes, once the thoughts and ideas start to slow and be less of an affront to my prefrontal cortex, I can start to function again.
It's tough to get the time in to do this particular technique of mine...and on some days, I really just can't do it. Those are the days when my high energy daughters and husband really start to grate on my last nerve and Mommy starts to lose her shit.
In other words, I have so much going on in my head that having any input from the outside world makes me start to lose focus, I get overwhelmed, frustrated, thoughts start moving so fast I can't breathe or organize anything and then it goes blank in my head....
and the anger and frustration roll in.
So, the long distance staring is beneficial. It's NECESSARY for me to actually function and cope throughout the day.
Now I just need to get it down to a shorter process so I have the time to do so with my rambunctious family of ADHD diagnosed individuals.
