I Couldn't Ask For More....

I have encountered so many people of different creed, color, religion, sexual orientation and whatnot throughout my life and so many of them have put themselves so deeply into my heart that I can't NOT feel for them to some degree regardless of the ways they have loved me...and wronged me. 

I have a deep seeded need to help people.  I have worked as a CNA, a medical receptionist, a medical transcriptionist, a customer service representative, an administrative assistant at a nursing home...the want I feel to help people in any way I possibly can runs deep in my veins and I feel as though it is hardwired into my genetics.

I would, literally, give someone the shirt off my back if I felt they absolutely needed it...without thinking twice about the consequences I would endure after. 

Self preservation is something I lack.  It is something I know very little of and have been working on with my therapist as of late.

It comes from my background, my upbringing, the way I was raised and the need I had to adapt to my surroundings as a young child so my sister and I could thrive, to some degree, in the hellish, nightmare of a world we grew up in.

Everyone comes before myself...the needs of my family and those I surrounded myself with as a younger adult always came before my own.  And those around me saw this in me, saw this raw need to be a pure human being who cared for others to such a degree I worried about myself almost never, and exploited it.

Used, abused, lied to by my own family, my own friends, my own blood only to have them throw back the remnants of what they could not use of me as though I was a carcass on the savanna left for the carrion birds....useless as a living organism but enough to sustain another user....another abuser.

This vicious cycle repeated itself over the course of the last 20 years or so and then, I met my husband.  He saw in me what everyone else saw, a love for helping people, a want to be needed, a desire to make people happy and heart so big and so full of love still....despite the heavy footprints set across it by the numerous takers I had had run through my life.

Instead of using me...he has nurtured me.  He has helped me grow and shown me how useful and loved and wanted and important my "self" really is.  He has loved me and accepted me fully and completely from day one.

Six years later, despite my trepidation but amid the excitement, I have moved one hour away from all the users and abusers I used to call family....some of whom actually are family. 

This move has been years in the making, the reality of it has set in, I have seen my new home, I have cleansed it and filled it with light, love and positive energy.  The pantry is stocked, the fridge and freezer are, too.  Our beds are in place, set up and have sheets.  The windows have curtains, the walls are the colors I would choose for myself, the yard is small but delightful. 

And tomorrow, we are moving in. 

My daughters have been anxiously awaiting this day, we have talked about it for weeks and the time is finally here. 

I have surrounded myself with people who love me, people who want nothing more than to see me succeed in life and support me with helpful encouragement and even difficult to give advice.  My mother-in-law is teaching me how to appropriately budget so we can actually have savings, my father-in-law refuses to let me help move because of the ever decreasing physical ability I have.

I have two brother-in-laws who are helping my husband and my father-in-law to move all my things after they drive nearly two hours to get my things and one hour to get to our new home and then another hour back home...and they offered their assistance out of sheer kindness and love.

I have said thank you to my "Dad" (we'll get more into why he deserves that title in a different post) so many times he has asked me to stop because he knows....he says so jokingly but the depth of my gratitude is hard for him to grasp.

This house they have rented to us is a once in a lifetime opportunity for myself, my husband and our daughters.  The details of this rental are so unique....I can't even begin to describe them.  I will have a home for my children, a place to feel safe again, an altar for my religious needs and a kitchen, living room, bathroom, nearly finished basement complete with art room for yours truly for the first time in my 34 years of existence.

I will finally have safety and comfort, again.

My family, my blood would never have done this for me.  Not in a million years.  No one ever taught me how to properly budget, no one ever showed me how to balance a meal plan for two weeks at a time, shop the ads for great deals, by store brand whenever I possibly can....these are all things I've had to learn for myself and my learning curve has been great.

My husband and girls are the most important reasons for me to begin this new chapter in my life.  They are the reasons I had no trouble saying goodbye to my hometown of 20+ years and moving into a city I barely know but have grown to love.

At this point in my existence I really honestly and truly can say....there is nothing more I could ask for right now....

except maybe world peace.  LOL

Love truly does conquer all.....even my chemically imbalanced brain can see that love really is something that should not cost you a dime....and if it does, it's not real love.  Blood relative or no, I had people in my life I wouldn't trust with my new Van sneakers, let alone my or my husband or my girls lives and emotions. 



I could not ask for more right now...and I never would.