I won't deny that every now and again, a thought pops into my mind such as, what would it be like if I could just start all over?
Throw out this version of myself and all the shit I've been through and all the crap I grew up with and everything that's "wrong" with me and just start over...
Blank canvas, clean slate...whatever you call it, I have the need for it every now and again...just reinvent myself. Go somewhere, where no one knows me, knows where I'm from or what kind of past I have, so I can be me, no questions asked.
The strange, yet beautiful, side of my life that people here (meaning the state I live in, basically) aren't really wanting to understand or try to be open minded about it and it's a very precious piece of who I am. It holds a spot in my heart that no one has ever touched and is always there in my personality, hiding in the undertones of my sarcastic sweetness.
Sunk into the abyss of my adulthood and emotional baggage from years of verbal and mental abuse by people whom I am actually blood related to, there's a sweet little woman who wants a house to decorate with cute skulls and crossbones and fancy window treatments made of black and red, a family to call her own which includes dressing my baby girls in goth lolita outfits, a place to be herself, a place where being who I really, truly, am inside won't scare away half the population and cause my family members to jump on my already painful back.
I want people to see ME.
I am 34-years-old and this is the first time, in my entire life, I have moved away from my family to do things and be things they refuse to accept or be part of.
One hour, one hour north and I have been told it is too far. They won't visit. They won't accept it. They want nothing of it.
They have accused my husband of spousal and child abuse, which brings tears to his eyes to think about. It hurts him deep to have my family think such terrible thoughts about him.
My mom and sister, they love Adam. They accept him for who and what he is and adore how he dotes on and shows love and affection towards our two daughters and myself.
He is my partner in crime, my best friend, my most trusted confidant, the love of my life, the father to our beautiful little girls and the rationality in my crazy chaotic bipolar world. He is the reason I have not yet left this world.
My husband has given me so much strength, support, love and guidance over the past six years we have been together, so much more than even my own family have provided. He has accepted me wholly and completely for who I am. He has taken the time to get to know every little nuance and detail that makes up the entirety of my self. He loves every curve, every imperfection, every freckle, stretch mark and scar both inside and out...he truly loves me.
Adam is the first person I have met who accepts my whole self and respects my whole self and loves my whole self, crazy and all, he loves me.
And, as I remind him daily, I love him so much more than he could ever know.
Our daughters are little versions of each of us, wrapped up in deceitful cuteness and unabashed curiosity, they are the reasons we get up and keep going every single day.
I want my girls to know all of this, to know my past, my husband's past, our families and their pasts...I almost need them to know this, so they can be better people, better human beings for this world and all of its inhabitants.
My eldest shows a love for animals that can border on obsessive and often be painful if she isn't reminded to be careful and gentle, which one day she will remember all on her own.
My youngest requires constant engagement, supervision and reminders to be patient with not just the people around her but herself, as well. And I know, she too, will one day remember this on her own.
We teach them manners on a daily basis, remind them to share, redirect their curious little brains from danger to safety.
We teach them to love the Earth, love their fellow human beings, love the animals and plants the gods and goddesses have provided us with, love the weather we are blessed with, even the nasty kind because each in their own right, has a purpose and in our religion, respecting that purpose is the best thing you can teach someone.
Respecting anyone and anything for their purpose is something more people should be taught at a young age.
I have caught flack for teaching my children our religion, Paganism, from my own blood.
All of this lack of respect, this lack of acceptance for difference, is the main reason leaving my hometown was not a big issue for me.
Leaving my mom and sister, starting something completely new and different with my husband and children is both exciting and downright terrifying. My comfort zone is gone. I know very little of the layout of this city and it has been years since I have been a part of it...
But my want for returning here is still so much stronger than I ever expected.
I know now, looking back at all the strife my blood relatives have caused me over the years and deciphering their nonsensical psychotic ramblings, they will never change, they will never accept me and nothing I do will ever be enough.
So it is time to close this chapter of my life and start a new one.
And maybe, just maybe, I won't need to end a chapter of my life like this, ever again.
I know this is a whole new start for us and I want to take full advantage of that fact.
To new beginnings.....
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